X-Men: Infinity War

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All of the other STUUUUUPID reviews on this movie LITERALLY made me get back on here and start critic-girling your asses. Here is the actual real review. Also, reminder, rotten tomatoes has continued to prove to me that they no longer have the mental capacity to rate movies. So stop looking at their dumb little tomato percentage cause it WILL brainwash you.

Overall Rating: 85%

Best Things: I love how this movie just got everyone SO wrapped up in their precious little feelings. If I see ONE MORE stars update on facebook that reads:

“Just saw Infinity War. Wahhh (crying emoji)

“Infinity War = Depression”

“Man, I cannot believe what I just saw in Infinity War.”

…I will not do anything.

Bad Things: I actually thought the movie was kind of slow? Maybe I was just tired cause I’m growing a future X-Man. Also, Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Sister’s movie boyfriend is NOT hot without all his red, gem head, suit stuff on. YUCK. Can you say NERD ALERT?! Amaraiighhtt

Review and Theory (Spoilers exist): Ok, either a lot of people did not pick up on subtle cues, or I’m just really over analytical and really reaching. BUT, it seemed wayyyyy too easy that Vulptar (Green girl’s dad. I forgot his name) just got all the family jewels so easy. There didn’t seem to be much of a fight to me. I just kept thinking, ok this seems way too easy for him.

Secondly: There are a TON of unanswered questions. Like where the heck was Hulk? Why didn’t he want to come out? There was information we needed, and didn’t get. On purpose; I’m assuming.

Thirdly: DID ANYONE NOTICE DR. CUMBERBATCH’S FACE?! I’m talking about when he just willingly gave up the time stone. If you recall, HE KNEWWWWWWWW what was going to happen. He even said he did! Watch it again and tell me when he said, “It’s the only way,” his face didn’t seem like he had a dark arts trick up his sleeve. Think about it. Spider Man isn’t dead, he is in another movie. DUH. The Black Panther can’t die. He just started a major black pride movement. That would be racist. I forgot who else died. But YEA, you get it. Also, when that cute little green gem was floating to Purple Man’s hand, Dr. Weirdo was looking at it with a look of anticipation. Almost like, “Please work, please work.” This was a story left unfinished and unexplained. So get your garments out of a wad and just stop being so sad.

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Spider Man – Homecoming 


Overall score: 76%

Best things: It was pretty dang funny. I think it was really cool how Peter Parker didn’t all the sudden become the perfect crime fighting superhero just cause a spider bite gave him abilities. It was a much more realistic depiction of the high school student who becomes Spider Man.

Worst things: It felt a little long. It was super exciting but it was a fun movie.

Parental advisory: It mentioned the word porn, so if you don’t want your kids to hear that word, then ya. All bad words were strategically cut. There was one part where a guy was completely disintegrated and it was a little shocking. I say take your 13+ year olds.

6 year old review: “I kind of liked it. I hated it.”